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May all Kind souls be blessed with Happiness.
3:32 PM
Friday, August 22, 2008
Since I met Phoebe, I felt like my life has changed drastically.
Or maybe its because during this journey of losing & gaining a friend that I became a better person.

It's been less than half a year since I met Phoebe; & right this moment, I wish I was lesser of who I am, or who I have become - in terms of materialistic, being more concerned about outside appearance.
There were many occasions where she has offered to ask her dad to finance my schooling at MLC next year - but I've always regarded it as a joke and shrug the idea off by changing the topic.
But recently, her mum came to Melbourne and Phoebe came to school, told me she told her mum about me & her mum offered to pay for my living expenses [if I were to move out from my sis]. Yet again, I laughed it off and said it wasn't necessary & that I could work things out on my own, but thanks anyway (^~^)
I was sincerely touched then, but because I know these are all still words only.
I used to have this friend.
I took every word she said into heart, and thought that our friendship would last forever and ever, that she would be there for me no matter what.
Still, our friendship broke and it only proves - Words are empty. And still,
it hurts somehow.
Only actions count.

Her disappearance in my life, maybe, only maybe... allowed me to meet an extraodinary friend like Phoebe.
I wasn't sure if it was Monday or Tuesday, but me & phoebe hung out at our usual spot-Library ^^
Out of the blue, Phoebe took out an ang bao from her blazer pocket & handed it over to me...
I gave her the weird look & said, "Ermmmm... What is that?"
Speaking casually, she replied, "Oh, my mum wanted me to give this to you! ^^ [Giving me her usual big grin & 1/2 laugh. LOL!!]

I did not take even a second to think or EVEN CONSIDER accepting it, I just burst out laughing [an indication of my nervousness/guilt/mix feelings] and rejected it nicely & CASUALLY.
I told Phoebe very straightforwardly about the reason of me rejecting the money.
It just was NOT right for me to take the money, I didn't feel comfortable at least.
My mum always told me, "我们穷的， 要穷的有骨气。"
But it wasn't about the Pride this time round, it was just me.
Me feeling that everything is going to be alright with or without this ang bao.
Me accepting the fact that I am not as rich as some people.
And most importantly
Me thinking that our friendship should not, and NEVER be based on such a transaction.

I didn't think anyone would ever accept this ang bao. It was an ang bao, not just filled with $, but a kindness, a graciousness, a generousity from a stranger.
Mind you, Phoebe's mum hasn't even MET ME BEFORE [0.0]
How would she know I wasn't just a cheater? Or someone who lies 24/7?
And I was very touched that someone could trust a stranger like the way she did.
It's been too long since I've experience such trust. I almost forgot how it felt like.
I guess all of us being Buddhists played an important role in this gesture. Maybe because her mum believes in Karma as well.
If I were to take the money and used it unwisely, the bad Karma would befall on me in a matter of time.
Or maybe she understand the insecurities I was feeling and how unfair it was for me as compared to Phoebe's life. [*I still do LOVE my life alright... Contented actually ^^]
LOL. This feeling is creeping up on me again, making me feel like crying. I feel very, extremely touched & I guess grateful - that Phoebe is my friend, and someone who would reach out to me if I fell into the deepest pit on Earth.


Today,
I met up with Phoebe during break once again & she took out a bag of stuff.
She then mentioned it was from her mum, with a BIG smile & laughter again ^0^
At that point, I thought it was going to be money again, and my heart turned sour for 2 seconds.
Upon opening it, I realize it wasn't ^^
Instead, there was this blue 'THING' which plays NA MO AH MI TOU FO continuously [which I mentioned to Phoebe once that I wanted one of those to play when I have those bitter fights with my sis, and I remember distinctively I saying it VERY CASUALLY, not taking literally that she would ask her mum to bring one here from Malaysia to me!!], a couple of books [mini & thick ones which are very easy to read! (: I love.], another tiny bag which contained 佛珠, and a hand written note from her mum to me!! It was in chinese and it reads:

人为什么要到世间来？
佛说：“人生为酬业而来”。
以前造善，今生得福，
以前造恶，今生事事都不顺心，
因果报应及事实真相。
但是如果要改变命运，那就一定要“[some very tough chinese I couldn't read]修善，绩功累德”
如果一却难，求佛，菩萨，念“阿弥陀佛”或“南蘑观世音菩萨”
因为求人很难！

Now reading this makes me feel like crying again = = '''
She added the last sentence because she understands why I did not accept the ang bao.
And it makes it so much easier for me sometimes that someone understands.






I'll end this post with this
Although when I am in need, let me wish that other's will have plenty.
Although when I am sick, let me wish that other's are healthy.
When sufferings come to me, let me accept it with Peace.



This quote is extracted from one of the books on Karma which was in the bag Phoebe's mum gave me. This book fell on the floor while I wanted to read it, and when I picked it up, it was the very page I landed upon. The funny thing is, Phoebe's mum [through Phoebe] said the exact same thing to me.




... I'm turning away from you from now onwards ...

back to the top / end


honesty is the best policy, uhhuh